The Farmer Mom

How’s it going?  Like, really… take a minute to access how you’re doing in this moment.  Hopefully by now, you’re sitting snuggled up somewhere, with those you love, thinking about the last few days of festivities and the love and the laughter that was shared.  Maybe you can finally breathe again, as grief of passed loved ones weighed heavy on your chest, as the gatherings were noticeably different without their presence this year.  Maybe, hopefully, your soul is at peace and you’re relishing in the glory of watching God’s blessings unfold all around you.  

This year has been a bit off all three of those things, for me personally.  I realized this year, that while I’ve always loved the whimsical feeling of fall and the holidays, it tends to be more busy and stressful than anything.  As I started thinking further on this realization, I started seeing a pattern of how the Holidays have actually included some of the worst times I have experienced.  From my earliest years, I remember more of the hustle and bustle, the stress of trying to meet the expectations of family traveling in from various places, being pulled between things needing to be done, and things needing attention.  Insert kids.  This leads to moms and dads arguing, kids having meltdowns, schedules and routines being thrown off, stress overload, followed by colds and flues, and so on and so forth.  You’re probably laughing to yourself or nodding your head “yes” to the accuracy of the picture I am painting here.  

Fast-forward to life as a kid with divorced parents, the holidays grew even heavier, as I was usually without the other parent, but blessed enough that they would hear me out when voicing I needed/wanted to see the other, that they would try their best to make it happen.  It was still consumed with busy-ness, stress of trying to “fake it till you make it” with single parent households, struggling to keep up with holiday expectations, bills, and kid tradeoffs with ex-spouses, in hopes of no drama.  A lot of people highlight “two Christmases” as a good thing to bring light to divorced families, but it’s a lot of having to cut your childhood in half for two people that you’re really meant to share the entirety with, it’s taxing, in all the ways.  

My senior year followed as one of the more heavy holiday seasons.  My dad had been living in West Virginia, alongside my uncle, helping take care of my grandma, who with age became a lot to handle.  My dad was very insistent that I come up for a visit that was well overdue, since it had been about 4 years since our last gathering.  I was 18 and looking forward to my first flight in years, but this time, being all on my own, completely responsible for myself and making sure I got where I was supposed to be going.  I had the most amusing flight, as I was watered with flattery by another passenger honing in on my Texas country accent, and his pretending to be my husband, so the lady next to me would trade him seats, and he could chat with me for the next few hours.  I landed in Charleston and then straight to the hospital I went, to visit with my grandma.

My grandmother was due to have surgery for congestive heart failure, but they had to get her coughing under control before they could operate.  I walked in and she looked as bright eyed and bushytailed as ever, with her white perfectly permed hair, round face, antique-looking thick lensed eyeglasses, and such a great smile.  It was quite a treat to get to see her only granddaughter and on such short notice as it was.  For once in my life, she didn’t have a negative thing to say or any complaints about my mom (ex-daughter-in-law), and we shared the next few hours of me showing her thousands of photos on my small first generation iPhone 3.  What I noticed most, was how she just looked at me, admiring the ways I had changed from such a small child, into a very matured (body, maybe not brains) young woman.  I can feel it as if it was yesterday, like I am right beside her now, I can remember the entirety of those moments.  We were just there with each other, reminiscing, swallowing the bitterness of how fast time had flown, and feeling as if we could talk for hours, and it wouldn’t be enough.  While we were sitting, she motioned for me to go reach into the hospital cabinet, reach into her purse, and pull out some Hershey Kisses.  She was warned to stay away from the stuff, because her chocolate addiction had lead partly to her whole situation of being in the hospital in the first place.  She just told me to keep it a secret and take some for myself.  I just laughed, because if we had anything in common, it was our love for chocolate.   Time passed, and it was time for me to go to my uncle’s house to rest.  We told my grandma we would be back first thing in the morning, and she DEMANDED that my uncle and dad let me sleep in.  She knew me so well.

4am the following morning, we get a call to get to the hospital quick.  My uncle and dad were already there; my aunt Judy and I shuffled out the door and into her cold van, and down the wet rainy roads of West Virginia.  The cold and the wet couldn’t have been more fitting for what was to come next.  When I arrived, we were greeted by my dad and uncle, and then the doctors came out, said that she was in cardiac arrest and they were starting compressions.  My dad and uncle disappeared though some doors, and a few long minutes later, came out, and told us she was gone.  All I could do was hug my dad, while he lost it.  I hadn’t seen him cry like that since my mom left him.  I was in shock, I was literally just talking to her face to face not even 12hrs before, and now I am holding my dad knowing his heart is broken that he will never hear his mother’s voice again.  

Over the next few days, phone calls were made, traveling plans rearranged, funeral arrangements in progress, family flying in, some of which I had never met.  Something that crossed my mind during that time spent with my dad and his brother was that one day that would be me.  I would be the one not getting to hear my parents’ voice again, and I would be making further arrangements for their services.  Shortly, before I knew it, I was on a plane back to Texas, and life went on.

Here I am, today, just a couple days passed Thanksgiving, and all these thoughts come rushing into my mind each year, but this year was THAT year, that I too grieve the absence of my dad’s presence.  He passed away last year, September 15, 2021.  We honestly didn’t have very many holiday celebrations with one another, except twice in the last 10 years of his life, since his mom died.  He lived off in other states, and would usually end up in a binge driven by the grief he never learned to process.  I spent every year; just about, worried about his whereabouts, and wondering if that would be the year I got THE CALL.  The one you never want to get, to inform you of the loss of your loved one.  It never happened that way though, and just phone calls, to hear his voice, tell him how much I loved him and how I wished we were together, was enough.  He would always comfort me in his warm fatherly affection and tell me that we would have plenty of Thanksgivings to come, and that would keep me hopeful for the next.

That Happy Thanksgiving that I always longed for, it never came.  We found out my dad was terminal with Cancer, June 1, 2021, 3 days before my daughters 4^th birthday.  He didn’t make it to the next Thanksgiving.  I did, however, get to spend 3 more months with him, pouring out my love for him in every way humanly possible, as he withered away before my eyes, each day challenging but blessed.  The day he died, was my ultimate day of Thanksgiving.  Thanking God for his life, for his role in mine, for all the time we had together, all the lessons learned, even the heartbreaking ones, for those 3 months we had to work though unfinished business, both emotionally and spiritually with one another, and lastly for accepting my dad into His Kingdom, and ending his suffering.

So I sit, and I think about the things I am thankful for, and I am here to say, that I am thankful for all of it.  I am thankful for the good, bad, and ugly.  I am thankful for recognition, reconciliation, revelation, and growth.  I am thankful for the harrowing, heartbreaking times in my life, as painful as they were/are, because it really teaches you to appreciate literally every blessing in your life.  It forces you to stop dead in your tracks and take account of what you have and how fast it could all be gone.  

Last night, we had my husband’s family gathering for Thanksgiving, and it was truly a wonderful time.  Watching my mother-in-love and father-in-love with their 7 children, 7 spouses (some of which are new), 9 grandchildren, and a bonus girlfriend, was something to truly be cherished for a lifetime.  My father-in-law will be 78 in a few short months, and the youngest of the group are the two newest additions, my daughter being one of them, ages 2 and almost 2.  It was a perfect picture of life well-lived and new life beginning.  The first few holidays in this family were so very emotional, as I had never seen true functionality that flowed so freely as it did in this well put together household.  It was something I never experienced as a child, and now, 10 years in, I am so proud to get to call myself a part of this family, and know that my kids will live a completely different life than I did.  Being included and a part of something so grand and beautiful were seriously things I had only prayed for prior to reuniting with my husband (that story later) and his family.  They were the life change I always wanted and something I promised I would give my future children someday.  That someday is now.

So what is it that you’re changing for the better for yourself and your future or the thing you’re hopeful for someday?  What things are void in your current life, or your childhood, that you have so heavily longed for or are working towards changing?  Stop right now.  Take a minute.  Rest on that thought.  What is missing from your life right now?  Whatever it is, pray for it tonight with all your heart.  God sees you.  He knows your heart.  He knows your pain, your sorrows, your joys, you hopes, your dreams.  He is waiting for you to ask Him, and trust Him, so that He can be glorified in giving you those things you ask Him for.  He has done it for me, time and time again, too many times to count, so I know for sure, He is ready to do the same for you.

Now I am going to ask you another thoughtful question.  What are you fiercely passionate about?  Take your time on this one.  Write it down.  Is your passion fueled by or aligned with God in serving others in some form or fashion?  Is there a group of people you feel drawn to show love to?  What about those who are struggling in the ruts of the same place you’ve struggled?  How can you serve them?  YOU are the one for the job!  Whatever came to mind, no matter how challenging, step into obedience to whatever God is calling you to do, so that you can earnestly be invested, and ready to receive the blessings you’ve asked for, through your obedience to God.  

I heard a word tonight, and it stuck out to me more than before, because it’s been used in this last year to try to insult me, or make me feel bad about being very passionate towards a certain area of experience in my life.  I was referred to as an Ambassador. An ambassador is an official representative of a company or mission.  Tonight though, this woman was referring to me in this way because I recently stepped into obedience with what God has been calling me to do for some time. I have been honored and blessed by bringing women together, who are new to the area, and searching for community; for their people.  Little did she know, this word had entered my dictionary awhile back, in a successful attempt to injure me, reject me, and torment me for being who I am, in a means to shrink me down. However, this time, it was used in a positive light.  God has been (forever and always) working on me, in me, through me, around me, name it, He is there; working.  He has been reminding me of who He created me to be.  Did you know He created me to be an Ambassador?  I didn’t either, but tonight, He showed me that He certainly did!  Did you know that He created YOU to be an ambassador as well?  Take a look:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:

The old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God,

Who reconciled us to Himself through Christ

And gave us the ministry of reconciliation:

that God was reconciling the World to Himself in Christ,

not counting people’s sins against them.

And he has comiitted to us the message of reconciliation.

We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors,

As though God were making His appeal through us.

(2 Corinthians 5:17-20)

Let me tell you, this little passage found me in a book TONIGHT, that God put in my hands at a Rummage Sale, plain as day, in my face, a book called, “YOU ARE THE GIRL FOR THE JOB” by Jess Connolly.  If you need to be assured in knowing that YOU are the girl for the job, that you have a purpose and job that only you can fill in God’s Kingdom plan, you should give it a read.  You won’t regret it.  God used Jess to talk straight to my heart, to deliver a message, a tangible, can hold it in my hands message, to assure me of something He has been telling me for years, but I’ve been too fearful, doubtful, or believed I was too inadequate to do THIS job.  Jess has never met me, so there is no way that she knew what to write in that book, that would ring bells and sirens in my heart and my head, sounding off the new season that has been birthed, that the Lord Himself put into play so long ago! 

God has called me and YOU to be the difference we (and God) want to see in the world.  It is our job to bring a piece of Heaven to Earth, so people can experience the true love of the Almighty God who created them (and us) and wants to give us a hope and a future!  All He is asking us to do, is to ask, believe, and be obedient.  He is ready for you to allow Him to meet you, right now, right where you are, and ask and then allow Him to give you the vision He has for your life.  The vision He will give you is only attainable through obedience, and that’s going to call for us to glorify Him in the darkness and shadows.  

I am specifically called to be whatever it is that I was lacking in any area or timeframe of my life, whether it was childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, motherhood, marriage, whatever it may be.  If I have felt the pain and sorrow of lacking something that I so desperately needed, then I have the discernment to recognize when someone else is in need of that too. If God wills it, and asks who shall go to do His work and show this beautiful child of His that He loves them and will send someone or something to fill that void, I volunteer for Him to send me.  

Do I miss the mark or opportunity some times?  Absolutely.  When I do, it grieves me that I didn’t’ take that step out of my comfort zone or safe space, or risk the extra time it would take in my busy schedule to make it happen.  But I learn and then I have more discernment to follow through the next time God gives me that nudge or tug.  

So what is it that God has been nudging you to do?  What job has He been patiently calling and waiting for you to step into?  I dare you to trust that God has and will equip you with anything and everything you need to get the job done that He has called you to.  YOU are the one for the job!  There is no such thing as failure.  Nelson Mandela once said, you either win or you learn.  So learn.  Learn who you are in Christ, learn to let go of fear, learn to discern God’s presence and His ministering Holy Spirit, sent to whisper truths to you.  At the end of the day, whether in the valley, the dessert, the raging river, the storm, the mountain top, the trenches, or the quicksand, glorify God and He will provide whatever it is that you need.  All you have to do is ask and believe and then follow-through with obedience.

I pray blessing over whoever this message finds.  I pray that all things that are lacking or void in your life, that they may be filled with God’s love and abundance of blessings.  I pray whatever weapons formed will be brought down and will not prosper in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ.  I pray bondages and chains are broken and you get to taste the freedom that comes when you choose to take that first step or 1,576^th step in faith, knowing who you are as a child of The King, your authority as so, and that you are blessed with a God vision of what the Lord has called you to and what He has in store for you.  

Be blessed!